I need to use both hands to count the number of Muslim men who have died in my hometown
My heart has broken so many times for their families &&
My heart continues to break for the lives they were unable to lead
But I am also angry
And surprised
I’ve done my fair share of villainizing south Asian Muslim men
and I am surprised at my empathy for their experience
Maybe they felt just as trapped as I did
Expectations of performance
Expectations around Pride and possessions
My rage is lit
When people pray for the deceased
Rather than care for the wounded
My own wounds are salted
When we say we are committed to mental health
And I am still unlearning my conditional worth
My psychologist identity is triggered
When I think about if/when/how one of my clients
Will take their own life
The hopelessness,
The pain,
The misunderstanding,
The agony of isolation,
The resistance to medication
My own resistance to seeing south Asian men as human
Suffering under the weight of the same systems
I’ve felt erased and excluded in
I wonder
What we need to do
To support each other
Through these times
I won’t tell you,
“You don’t have enough faith”
I won’t tell you,
“You are a bad Muslim”
I won’t tell you,
“I am disappointed in your behavior”
I am humbled and curious
and saddened and softened
By the vulnerability my clients share with me
By the pain they hold and I hold alongside them
I won’t tell you
“I know how to make it better”
I am angry and irate and feeling complicated feelings channeling Zuko
I am holding both
Grief and hope that men’s pain will be seen, heard, validated, and explored
That men’s substance use will be seen, heard, validated, and explored
That men’s sexual functioning and dysfunction will be seen, heard, validated, and explored
That men’s sexual violence will be seen, heard, validated
That men’s anxiety and ADHD will be seen, heard, validated
That men’s HEARTBREAK will be seen, heard, validated
That men’s gender identity and spectrum of sexual orientations will be seen, heard, validated
W I T H O U T S H A M E
and that the men who need to read this
find this with
peace
and with love
alia
…
…
…
in memory of : Armaan, Adnan, Nasir, Saif, Sajaad
