The Ramadan before we met
I prayed for the opportunity to live out my Islamic values
To practice what I preach
Rahma Adala Rida
The Ramadan before we met
I asked to worship god from a place of gratitude
Not fear
I asked God to worship them from a place of love
Not obligation
I asked God to worship her from a place of peace
Not conflict
The months before we met
I was finally exploring this new city
Hosting friends and loved ones in my home
Meeting celebrities
Unable to fathom life could get better
The months before we met I exuded light and love
Not knowing all the ways you would help me shine even brighter
All the ways you would help me learn to love myself even deeper
The weekdays before we met
I visited family, took a walk with my dad, and thrifted with friends.
We found old photos and grieved lives of Chicago elders
The weekend before met
I fought with my sister, won some prizes at a baby shower, tried a new recipe, and made an Instagram post about our responsibilities as a non-indigenous/ Native American immigrants celebrating Thanksgiving
The day before we matched
Someone told me“They may come late but they come correct”
I grieved what my life and world could have felt like if elders had shared that with me earlier
I felt rage for all the times I blamed myself for not finding someone faster / earlier/ when they wanted me to
The night I saw you in person
I had dinner with dad and got dropped off at my moms
You entered the restaurant breathless
and I left our time breath taken
The months after we met you said
“We can do it our own way”
Sometimes I believed you
Most of the time I was scared
Scared of doing something new
Scared of trusting you
Scared of what life would throw our way
The Ramadan before we met
I prayed not knowing you would come my way that year
The Ramadan after we met
I prayed God keep our relationship sacred and protected
This Ramadan
I grieve the castle in the sky
I thought we were building together
— — —
The gift of your connection
Came at exactly the right time
The gift of this ending
Came at exactly the right time
You have reminded me how deeply God loves me
You helped me believe the depth of my love isn’t a flaw or burden but a tender, and valuable gift.
You helped me wonder
What relief I could have felt ?
If I was told :
I see how hard you love our people
I respect your commitment to your faith through your work
You and your family are brave, courageous, kind
You helped me wonder
What relief I could have felt ?
If I was told :
Not to worry
God has my back
Instead of trying to answer questions
That no one has answers to
You helped me wonder
Why do I run from my power and light?
Whose approval am I seeking?
Whom do I belong to and whom do I return?
You helped me wonder
What would have happened
If young men and women were reminded of Khadija RA
A working, older woman
And the Prophet Muhammad SAW
as-Sadiq’ (the Truthful)
‘al-Amin’ (the Honest)
You helped me remember
God loves me and I am good enough for him, you, and me
I wanted so badly to melt in your arms with ease
— — —
Maybe it is my time to rest instead of — running —
my mind is exhausted ruminating on how I am not
“fulfilling my role as a woman”
my body fatigued from trying to meet another milestone
Maybe it is my time to rest, rather than— run — from myself
Maybe it is my time to rest , rather than— run — from my purpose
Maybe it is my time
for others to step up
to challenge their biases
to interrogate their arrogance
to lay at the edge of a prayer mat
and weep with grief
Maybe if you had seen
“goodness” requires
transparency
not
stubborn superiority
Maybe these maybes are from the Devil
Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raji’un
A part of me has died
A part of me is enlivened
A flickering flame of faith that burned dimly
Has been relight with excitement
with presence
with gratitude
— — —
Alhamdulillah for this moment
This milestone, this break up, this enlightening
Alhamdulillah for you
And alhamdulillah for what we had
The memories we made
&& the ones I’d like to forget
Today
Tomorrow
The years to come
In the heavens and the earth
You were my person
Dear God,
I am grateful for 2023.
Ameen
